‘I dumped my ex because he didn’t want kids but now I’m tempted to go

Dear Coleen

Earlier this year, I split up with my boyfriend because he didn’t want children. I’m 36 and he’s 47.

He has two sons in their 20s from a brief marriage in his early 20s, but his ex wife moved away when they were very young and he doesn’t see them often.

We were going out for three years and we had a lovely relationship.

He always told me he didn’t want children. He said he felt too old and that he didn’t want to be chasing around after toddlers in his 50s.

He’s also a self-employed builder and, for various reasons, work has been quite tough for the last few years, so financially he didn’t want children either.

Despite this, I somehow thought he would change his mind as time went on.

But at Christmas, we had a heart-to-heart and I realised once and for all that it would never happen, so I made the very tough decision to break up with him in January.

I really loved him, but my friends convinced me I was doing the right thing.

However, I haven’t met anyone else and during lockdown I became very lonely and now we’re back in touch. At first it was just the odd WhatsApp, then phone calls, and we went out for lunch the other day.

It was just like old times and I’d forgotten how much I fancied him and how much he made me laugh.

We kissed and he’s recently messaged me to see if I fancy going out for a drink. I really want to get back with him, but I’m not sure whether I’m doing the right thing.

Should I settle for a life without children? Should I spend some time with him, even if it doesn’t go anywhere? Or am I mad to even consider going back there?

Coleen says

The answer is absolutely yes. There is no point in going back there because it will just lead to more heartache.

Seriously, what would be the point? Another three years wasted and still no children? Thirty-six is still plenty young enough to meet somebody and have a family.

When you’re young, you never feel young, but trust me, you have plenty of time. As you get older, it can often feel harder to meet somebody, especially when all the people around you are settling down and having babies.

But it’s absolutely possible.

You’ve got to come to terms with the fact that while he’s funny and lovely and you have chemistry, he doesn’t want children and never will.

If you spend more time with him, you won’t be motivated to meet anybody else, and you’ll be 40 before you know it.

Having said that, you’ve got to be careful about panicking and not seeing every man who comes along as a potential dad for your baby and scaring them off by talking about babies on the second date. Or getting into a relationship with the wrong guy just because he wants a baby.

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