Dear Coleen – ‘I hoped we’d finally meet up but now he has gone silent’

Dear Coleen

Years ago I met this man on a dating app, we got on really well and at one stage agreed to meet. But things sadly went downhill for us and we cut communication, although we have messaged each other now and again over the years.

His behaviour wasn’t good and I didn’t treat him well either.

However, over the past month he came back on the dating app we first met on and I sent an apology and admitted I wasn’t a very nice person all those years ago – I even put myself into counselling to deal with my issues.

I didn’t expect a response back – or at least not a nice one! But, to my amazement, he apologised too, and asked if I wanted to give things a go again. Since then we have been ­chatting and getting on well.

However, he suddenly went silent on me and I thought, “Here we go again!”, but he did get back in touch to say sorry, and explained his mum’s cancer had returned, so he was dealing with that and all the plans we had were put on hold.

I have never physically met him and now there’s no time frame for us to meet. I feel like I’m in limbo. I’m trying my best to be there for him but I’m doing all the messaging. I feel as though I should leave him to be with his family and to deal with what’s happening. However, I don’t want this to be the end of us again because I’ve developed feelings for him.

What should I do?

Coleen says

I think you’re pinning an awful lot on a man you’ve never met. As far as I can see, there is no “us” – not really.

You’re online friends who fell out and who’ve kept in touch intermittently over the years.

I think you should back off and let him deal with what’s going on in his life, and see if he gets in touch with a plan, but you shouldn’t let it stop you from pursuing other things or even talking to other men.

You shouldn’t put your life on hold when there is no time frame. I don’t mean this to sound callous, but you can’t live your life in limbo and I’m sure he wouldn’t expect you to.

You’re doing all the messaging, so all you need to do is send a text, saying that you’re there for him if he wants to chat or needs a shoulder to cry on and then leave it up to him.

Be that person for him to talk to and, if it’s meant to turn into something, then it will at some stage. In the meantime, get on with your life and embrace opportunities if they arise.

It’s taken a long time to reconnect with him, so why dive into something if the circumstances aren’t right?

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